cinfulgirl

I’m starting to love me…

cinfulgirl — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 05:30:46 +0000

It’s nice to be missed. It’s nice to be loved. It’s nice to be cared about. I really appreciate all of it. I really do. I just can’t seem to find my place here or on the new JS. I’m so busy with school and recovery. I just finished my 5th step today. It was such a cleansing experience. I feel such a peace. I wish I could describe it. What an amazing journey I am on. Wow. What can I say. I just want to write and write until I can get it all out. To be able to share my life experience with my sponsor who loves me and who doesn’t judge me is the ultimate gift.

The sponsor promised me that if I worked my steps honestly that I would find serenity…and I can truly say that she is right. I’m not totally there yet. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Something amazing has started to happen to me just recently. Just rececently I have been able to look at myself in the mirror…look at myself in the mirror and say…I love you. Look at myself in the mirror and actually like what I see.

That is growth. That is a miracle. I am so fucking blessed. I love my life and I cant wait to see what is around the corner. I can’t wait to be able to start helping other addicts in need. I want to be able to witness the miracle of someone else’s recovery. My heart is just so full right now.

I am so grateful to God for sparing my life. I am so grateful to him for not taking me when I was so sick in my addiction. There were so many time when I should of died. But he had a bigger purpose in store for me. I can see it now.

Back at school…

cinfulgirl — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 21:36:11 +0000

First of all, let me apologize to everyone for being so scarce around here. I have to admit that this place is really hard to navigate around and quite honestly I’m really overwhelmed with the beginning of school. I’m just trying to pace myself and find my focus. So far so good. I’ve made it through one week of classes without passing out! lol I’ve also made it to my NA meetings and done my stepwork so all it well. Some of the classes that I thought would be somewhat “lighter” ended up being really hard. My ethnic studies course reader requires a damn dictionary just to understand the f’ing thing! Omg!

My first reaction to the class being so difficult was the immediete desire to want to quit, but that was a very fleeting feeling. I’m proud of myself. I’ve decided for the first time in my life that perhaps I should stick to something. I think that there are many people in my life that will be very proud to see me get that bachelor’s degree.

Well I’m off to go read the dictionary…I mean the ethnic studies book or both or something. I’ll try to get around more. Don’t forget that I do love you all. Just gotta find my rhythm here.

Time for some release

cinfulgirl — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 12:35:57 +0000

I go back to school full time next week. I’m very very nervous. I registered for 18 units. I sure hope that I can do this. I also have to finish the rest of my step work. I’m just about done with step 4. My sponsor was supposed to come over last night, but called and said that she was really exhausted. I need to talk to her because I’m harboring a lot of resentments right now. I’m angry at her for leaving me. I’m angry at her for finding me, letting me in, letting me love her, and now moving away. I know that sounds selfish. She needs to make a better life for herself. I’m just so damn sad about her leaving.

I’m so damn mad at my brother in the fellowship. He should of known better. He knows the rules. He knows how things works. He knows the guidelines that our sponor’s lay down for us. How could he think that I was wanting more then what was allowed? Uugggghhh!!! I’m just so irritated right now.

I need to pray…I’ll be back.

Much on my mind…

cinfulgirl — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 05:39:11 +0000

I’m still living with this damn insomnia. I thought I was over it and went off the sleep meds, but here I am again not able to sleep. What the hell is going on? I guess it’s probably stress related. School starts next week and I’m taking on a full load. Acutally more then a full load. 18 units to be exact. I just need to make sure that I’m on track.

I’m also still doing the 10pm candlelight NA meeting and that’s putting some stress on me as well. It’s difficult to get people to speak at that meeting because it’s so late at night. My committment is over for that meeting in four months so I’m going to stick it out and make sure I do a good job.

I’m just about done with my 4th step. My sponsor just informed me that she’s moving to North Carolina in four months. I’m totally bummed out. I love her so much. But it’s important to have a sponsor that’s local. You really need someone that you can see and touch.

I’ve got much on my mind right now. I need to let someone go. I know that it’s for the best. They are not good for me. They are in the program but that doesn’t always mean that they are good people.

Alright…off to learn some more about this lovely new site. Love to all.

I can think of some choice words for this title…

cinfulgirl — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 02:28:20 +0000

I’m not sure what to think about all of this. Like most people. I do not like change. I loved the old journalspace. I guess I’ll just have to adjust to this place. I am liking that there is a homepage and that I can see who is online. I like the wire board or whatever the hell that thing is called. I just want to reconnect with everybody again! Find me please!